Our Story and a Meditation on Love

I wrote the following last year as part of a little book I am working on. Rachel told me that it was her favorite chapter, though she admitted she was biased. I share it with you now as a summary of our story and a meditation on the nature of love and worship.

Love

You were the brightest shade
Of sun I had ever seen
Your skin was gilded with
The gold of the richest kings
And like the dawn
You woke the world inside of me
-from Like the Dawn

Solomon in Mexico

I don't remember much of my wedding or even the days around it. Somewhere we have a video of the whole thing. My wife occasionally asks where it is and it seems my dim recollection of the wedding extends to the video too because for the life of me I can't remember where it is. That doesn't bother me though. I remember enough and I have a ring. A light weight around my finger constantly pulling and snagging and reminding and comforting. 

One memory stands out from around this time though. We're on our honeymoon. A cruise around the gulf of Mexico. We've had many months of planning and frustration and anticipation and now finally, rest and other good things. We lay in hammocks on a golden beach in perfect weather. Sunlight plays through palm fronds. I look over and see her there. She's barely asleep, right on that magical edge where reality and dreams collide. How can I describe her in this remembered moment? Beautiful is too obvious and too physical. Lovely hits closer but it's still not right. 

Ah, I have it. Ancient words, the first marriage vows when the world was young. Bone of my bone. Flesh of my flesh. She completes me, but not in a cliched movie sense where I'm dumb and can fix cars and she's smart and needs her car fixed. No. This is deeper than personality or ability. She's a part of me I never knew I was missing until I did. Like never knowing you were meant to have two legs. Like never knowing what smell or taste or color was like. Like breathing for the first time in your life. And I'm desperate for breath in that moment. 

I've never much enjoyed the beach. It's hot and sandy and the ocean holds terrifying leviathans and horrible dragons. But here now there's nowhere else I'd rather be than beside her. There's nowhere else I could be. My heart is full and the moment presses in on me, molding my heart, expanding and growing my capacity for love, my capacity for understanding love.

The wisest man in all the world gave a list of four things that were too wonderful and mysterious even for him to understand. Three things are too wonderful for me; four I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a serpent on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman. How does an eagle defeat the omnipresent downward pull of the earth? Who can trace its path through the clouds and over lands unknown? How does a serpent with no legs move so quickly across the stone? Who can follow its trackless slippery path into the crevices of the rocks? How does a ship that weighs so much float so easily upon the water? Who can discern the passing of these marvels and follow in pursuit? How does a man come to love a woman and a woman love a man? Who can pick out the threads of love and understand the way two hearts are knit together? 

I sit in Mexico and understand Solomon's confusion. How is this possible? I do not claim to have any answers to something that even Solomon could not grasp, but I do have my experience with love and the Scriptures. I can shed a little light onto this subject. 

The Spark of Love

Love’s flashes are flashes of fire, 
the very flame of the Lord. 
- Song of Solomon 8:6

I first saw my wife at a mutual friend's birthday party. I remember entering my friend's apartment and seeing her on the couch. She was beautiful. My first thought was something along the lines of, Oh she's gorgeous. My second thought was, I'm sure she's married. I did a quick hand glance to check for the ring I was sure was there, but to my surprise she had no ring. 

I don't remember much of the rest of the night. We didn't speak much, if at all. Dinner at a sushi restaurant, fun times with other friends, and eventually I leaned over to the guy sitting beside me and said, “Hey, what's that girl's name?” Rachel. 

Was this love at first sight? Was this some kind of magical fairy tale moment? No. It was a small crush. A small hope. A thing almost certainly to never even start. It was mundane and everyday. But it was the start of something marvelous. It was the barest whisper of smoke from a spark that would become a fire.

If you've ever started a fire with flint and steel you know a lot about love already. You scrape and a multitude of sparks fly out towards the kindling. Most come to nothing. Bad conditions, incorrect timing, wrong place. Some catch a little but the small embers they make die away. Some might even start a flame but the wind picks up, they burn too quick, they sputter out. But every now and then a spark leaps and hits just right. And a small flame takes hold.

I actually met Rachel for the first time many days later at that same friend’s apartment. Several of us came over to watch some movies. We joked and talked about Bruce Willis and aliens. I began to feel that spark taking hold. Over the next few months I began being around her more and more. And the more I got to know her the more that small sputtering flame grew. Each conversation, each joke, each memory was like a small twig carefully placed into the growing flame. You have to take these things slowly, you know. You can’t rush a fire. If you try to do too much, try to throw on the big logs first you’ll smother the fire. 

I wasn’t fully cognizant at the time of what was happening. I knew I kinda liked her and was maybe interested but before too long the fire made itself known. I knew that I had feelings for her and was interested in something more.

The Dancing Fire

Many waters cannot quench love, 
neither can floods drown it.
-Song of Solomon 8:7

Literature loves the adjective “dancing” for fire. Set a candle in the wind and you can see how appropriate the descriptor is and why it’s so popular. Fire is blown about by the breeze easily. It moves to and fro even though it is tethered to its fuel. Too strong a wind and the tenuous connection between the flame and fuel is broken and it is gone. 

I was aware of the growing feelings for Rachel I had and I decided to risk exposing that flame to the winds of chance. I sent her a message, an invite to lunch. Her response was not a fairy tale response. She said, “Is this a friend lunch or a date lunch? Because I’m not really interested in a date lunch.” This was a blast of cold air from the west. This was a cup of many waters thrown on my little fire. 

In another case, I might have huddled the fire close to my chest, hiding it from the wind, denying my intentions and hiding my feelings. I might have let the blast snuff it out and moved on to another spark, another fire. But something gripped me. I resolved to let the chips fall where they may and be honest. I told her the truth. I intended a date lunch but would happily take a friend lunch. We ate and talked and she explained some of why she wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I let her know my feelings and explained that I wanted to continue to get to know her and wanted to date if and when she felt ready. I was waiting for her own fire to ignite. 

We continued spending time together with other friends. Watching movies, going to dinners, laughing, joking, and eventually one night Rachel’s own small flame was lit. She confessed that she had given it a lot of thought and had decided that she would like to go on a date with me. Here was a shot of pure 100% gasoline thrown on my heart. I wholeheartedly agreed and we set a time. Inside the flame of my love danced and I followed suit with a celebratory dance in my living room. I closed my eyes and bounded around to imaginary triumphant music. Moved by joy and excitement. 

I hadn’t realized my blinds were open. I learned later that Rachel saw the whole thing. 

The Wedding Feast

Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love! 
-Song of Solomon 5:1

Time would fail to tell of our dating and engagement. Suffice to say that we continued adding wood to the fire. Continued getting to know each other and growing in love. I bought a ring, asked her father’s blessing, and popped the question. We got married in St. Louis in January of 2016. As I’ve already said, I don’t remember much. I remember Rachel getting overwhelmed by preparations and difficulties the day before. I remember stopping and dancing together. A moment of levity and ridiculousness to remind both of us of what really mattered. I remember sneaking outside to be alone with my pipe and my thoughts in the midst of the craziness. I remember my gathered family and friends. I remember my father reading Scripture. I remember singing songs of praise to God. I remember holding Rachel’s hands and reciting vows. Most everything else is lost. 

The day was a blur. The reception was more so. I can’t remember the food we served or the songs we listened to, except the ones our DJ played despite our explicit forbiddance of them. But when I look back now almost six years later what I remember most of all is a general sense of being filled with love and joy and happiness. We and our friends and family sang and praised and prayed and ate and drank and celebrated the burning bonfire of love. 

I was on a beach in Mexico when the reality of it all hit, but it hasn’t stopped hitting. What seemed like a raging inferno all those years ago I now see as nothing more than a small kindling compared to the love we have today. Our wedding was just the start. There have been times when the storms of life have dimmed the blaze. There have been times when our own hearts have grown cold and lessened the fire somewhat. But on the whole it has grown more and more day by day. 

What is Love?

What is love? “Baby don’t hurt me” is not a satisfactory answer. Is love simply a deep affection? Is love service? Is love commitment? Is love sacrifice? I like the analogy given above and in the Song of Solomon. Love is a fire, the very fire of the Lord. And like a fire it requires fuel, care, commitment, it requires much in order to thrive. But it is not a greedy monster that hungers and is never full. Love gives more than it receives. It gives warmth, comfort, and utility. Love is deep affection, but it’s also service. Love is an emotion, but it is also a commitment. Love is sweet, but it is also hard. 

Love is multifaceted. We've focused on husband-wife love because that is the grandest and deepest human love, but there are other kinds of love. I love many things. I love my mother and father. I love my friends. I love my puppies. I love my garden. I love tobacco. I love bacon. I love cool mornings. I love storms. 

How can we sum up love? What can we compare it to? Think of the things you love, both big and small. What do they do in your heart? When the bacon is sizzling, when the puppies are cuddling, when your wife is sleeping, how can you describe the feeling? Joy. Obviously. Contentment. Happiness. Commitment. Comfort. Esteem. Cherishing. Exalting. Maybe we could go deeper with a definition that may make you uncomfortable. In essence, love is worship.

Worship and Love

What does it mean to worship God? It means to cherish Him, to value Him, to praise Him, to obey Him, to follow Him, to glorify Him, and more. How would you sum up what God demands in His worship? What would a single sentence summary of all that worship does and could mean look like? Jesus has an answer. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. Jesus sums up worship and obedience as loving.

Worship we might say is love expressed. Love and worship go hand and hand. And so, what does it mean when we love other things? How is that not idolatry or wickedness? If love is a form of worship, should we then detach ourselves from loving other things? Should we be stoics or ascetics? Should we detach ourselves and refuse to love other things besides God or maybe just give in to our idolatry and not care? If I love bacon and love is worship, is bacon my god?

It certainly can be. Anything we love can become an idol. We don’t worship and serve false gods because we hate them. We serve them because we love them. Whether it is money, food, success, or anything else, the things we love are gateways into idolatry. Consider Paul’s words in Philippians 3:19 “Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.” It’s unlikely that these people Paul is talking about simply woke up one morning and decided that their stomachs were actually the god of the universe that created all things and made them and deserves their worship and adoration. That would be insane. 

Instead, what Paul is getting at is that these people worship their belly because they love to eat above all else. Food is their chief delight, their highest love. And that’s what makes their belly their god. Their love leads to idolatry when that love eclipses their love for the True and Living God. Love is like a fire. It can warm and guide and sustain, and it can also burn when it is used inappropriately. It can destroy houses and lives and whole cities. Fire has a dangerous side when it is not used rightly.

So how do we love rightly? How do we love things without letting them become an idol? Do we have to resist a growing love and push it down when we feel that it is threatening to become an idol? Like pruning a blackberry bush that is growing too much or spraying water on a fire that is getting too wild. That’s certainly a way to help with idolatry, but it’s not sufficient on its own. There’s a better way. 

Imagine lighting two lighters. Two tiny flames of equal size. Now what would happen if you were to combine them? They would both grow greater as one fire. We can think of love and idolatry at times as though we have to control and master all these different loves to keep them from competing with our love for God, when God gives a better solution: bringing them all together, letting our love for various things join, support, and help grow our love for Him.

And so, I love bacon. I eat it and enjoy the salty flavor, the mildly crunchy texture, and the fulfilling nature of it. The fire of my love for bacon grows. But at the same time, I am reminded through this gift of bacon of the God who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. Who made bacon and all food. Who created pigs and made them have these muscles that develop and grow in such a way as to taste so wonderfully and satisfy so completely. I love our puppies. I love seeing their smiling faces and wagging tails. It fills me with joy to see them play and sleep and frolic. And through them I am reminded of the God who made puppies and His own joy and His own love. I am reminded of His own grace to me in giving me these puppies. And on and on and on. All of our loves are meant to remind us of God’s goodness and worthiness and grow our fire of love for Him.

I relax on a beach in Mexico and look at my wife beside me. I lie in our bed and look at my wife beside me. I watch TV on the couch and look at my wife beside me. I plant a row of beans and look at my wife beside me. I sit in a chair in a hospital room and look at my wife beside me. I love her with every fiber of my being. Every piece of me is filled to bursting. She shines in my eyes. But it is not all her own light. She is a sunbeam. A gradient ray reaching down from the Sun of Righteousness above. I see her and love her, and yet I am inevitably drawn to the one to whom she is pointing towards. I see her kindness and know more of the kindness of God. I see her beauty and know more of the beauty of God. I see her faithfulness and know more of the faithfulness of God. I see her joy and know more the joy of the Lord. Over and over and over again. 

To love is to worship. To love rightly is to worship God through the things you love. Love deeply and unashamedly. Love and be loved. And in doing so you will find a fire that burns hotter than the sun. The very fire of the Lord.